GOD MADE HIM THAT WAY, SENT HIM MY WAY,
SO I COULD FIND MY WAY

My life began with this man 26 years ago at the tender age 15. This handsome young man sat behind me in the movie theater and eventually was sitting by me giving me my first kiss. I dreamed about him that night, and knew I wanted to feel this way forever. I was having trouble believing he actually wanted to see me again My only problem was convincing my parents to allow another meeting. They gave permission to invite him to Sunday dinner and I was thrilled. The rest of our dating relationship was pretty much a struggle as my father did not approve of his long hair he was convinced there could be no good in a boy with long hair and I found myself standing up to my father for the first time in my life.

I knew my father was wrong about this boy. He could not convince me differently, for I was in love, not blindly but with my eyes wide open. I soon began to realize that my father could certainly use some of my boyfriends tenderness. This was a milestone in my life. The one we all go through the day I realized my parents weren't God. The day I realized they didn't know it all, and that I was a separate person from them no longer allowing them to think for me and make my decisions for me. When I was 17 my father took his belt to me for the last time. He whipped me like I was some animal with tough skin that had to be hit with all his force for me to be able to feel the pain he was trying to inflict on me that day. The beating was for something I'd seen him do himself all my life I smoked a cigarette. I lost a lot of respect for my father that day and replaced it with the deepest respect for my now husband. You see I received this beatings on a regular basis all my life but I never told anyone as I thought I was so bad and deserved it and so would anyone I told. Not true I later found out.

My boyfriend knew something was wrong when he saw me and insisted I tell him what happened When I finally relented to tell knowing this would be the end that he also would think I was a bad person and would never want to have anything to do with me again, I was blown away by his response. He told me my father was so wrong and that I should never be hit by anyone. He held me and wiped away my tears and told me all the wonderful things I needed to hear to mend a broken heart and spirit.

I started making plans to leave home by attending a college away from home and that began my independence from my parents. However I wasn't ready to be dependent on myself because I had little self confidence so I depended on the one person I felt I could trust. This man was my world my ticket to freedom (a freedom I wanted but was terrified of) but you know he didn't allow me to depend on him instead he told me all my wonderful qualities and taught me to love and depend on myself. How unselfish he could have had a puppet on a string but he loved me enough to give me the tools I needed to love myself. That's when I knew for sure I would marry this man. So we married 6 years after our first encounter.

We moved to a different state and he started school as I worked 3 and 4 jobs at a time just to stay afloat. We didn't have much but we were so happy. To make a long story short for the next 7 years we worked very hard to reach our goal of buying a house for we Knew we wanted that before children so we would have our own place and yard for our future children to grow and play. After reaching our first goal we went to work on our 2nd goal (our first child) and I became pregnant after a few months in our new house we were delighted. I gave birth to the most beautiful 5 pound baby girl I had ever seen and my husband cried tears of joy as he gently held that tiny little girl to his face and thank God for such a blessing. He loved that child as much as I did and wanted nothing but the best we could give for her. He walked the floor with her when she ha d colic he kissed her owies read her stories, hugged and kissed her and told her he loved her many times daily. But the greatest thing he allowed her to dominate my time and attention never complaining that he no longer came first in my life. Believe me I went overboard I wanted things to be so perfect for her I nearly forgot he existed. I know that hurt him but you know what he kept right on loving me anyway. He not only took the back seat that man was in the trunk.

Five years after our first born I gave birth to another beautiful baby girl. Again my husband cried overwhelming tears of joy as the little baby girl reach up and grabbed his finger with a grip that shock him and they looked into each others eyes and were bonded for life. Again he was very much apart of the girls life, always willing to lend a helping hand to hear them rebel and say no mommy do it. How that must have hurt but he loved them anyway and continued to help. Well, I wasn't doing well physically after the birth of our 2nd child I had a curve in my spine that was progressing after the birth of each child. I was in a lot of pain I did everything I could to try to end the pain. I start limiting my physical activities I went for physical therapy I went to Chiropractors I had injections in my spine to try to block the pain and that turn out to be a very temporary fix to a major problem. I finally had to relent to take pain medication daily and that really got where it didn't even touch my pain. My husband had to do it all care for our 2 daughters do the housework work full time and take care of his mother. It finally became apparent I would have to have the surgery I had dreaded my whole life to keep from being a total invalid. It scared the hell out of both of us but we had no choice, we both knew the risk of paralysis but we had to take it there were no guarantees the surgery would even relieve my pain but without it I would be in a wheelchair within 5 years.

We scheduled the surgery and made plans for my mother and sisters to take turns helping us with my care and that of our children. A couple of weeks after scheduling the surgery I got a call from home that my mother was going to die. Her headaches turned out to be malignant brain tumors. So now I had to forget me and concentrate on trying to help my mother prepare to leave this world. My husband was right there helping again. When my mother died he was there to hold me and help me get through the emotional and physical pain. Now the surgery was rescheduled and plans made to have help with the kids and care for me. I was told it would take a full year for me to completely recover from this surgery. Well, the dreaded day arrived and I don't know who was the most frightened. When they came to take me to the O R my husband held my hand and trying to hold back the tears tried to assure me I was going to be OK. I was told he paced the floors the entire 10 hours it took the Doctors to complete the surgery. His eyes were the first ones I saw when I woke up.

He looked so tired and I hurt so bad I just wanted to die. I was unable to do anything for myself. It caused excruciating pain just to try to feed myself ice chips. I heard him tell my sister "God I wish I could take her place" From that moment I tried not show how much pain I was in and I felt so blessed to be loved that much. For the next year all focus and attention was on me and the girls again he was in the trunk. Loving, supporting and encouraging me the whole time. Making sure our girls needs were met. So we got passed that and it did help my pain by the way I'm still on pain medication and will be for the rest of my life but the difference now is it actually helps.

Exactly 2 years and 1 day after my surgery I gave birth to our one and only son and I've never seen a happier man. He told me he was very happy with his girls but that he felt he would be able to relate more to his son that is when I realized that I had taken for granted the same feelings I had for our girls. How we each had so much to offer both genders and our love for them was unfailing but something happen after this beautiful story that almost destroyed what I thought was the most loving home 2nd to none.

All the while playing the good husband, father role he had betrayed me. I found out by mistake while trying to learn our new computer that my husband was bisexual. I would sneak and read his mail of the affairs he had with men. I was crushed and I hated him for doing this to me. I talked to my friends before confronting him looking for advice and guidance. They convinced me for my children's sake I should leave him. When I asked what will I tell my kids I was advised to make him tell the kids. So I made my plans to divorce him before I confronted him so I would have all the power. How could he do this to me? After all we'd been through? I was going to make him pay. He killed the love I had for him by betraying me. I was really hurting inside but I had to act normal. What he did was unforgivable and my friends all agreed. Then something happened that made me think differently our song came on the radio.

BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up, never let me fall
You're the one that saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much but I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Thank God for that song, I now had a totally different picture of betrayal. What he did was minor compared to what I was about to do. How could I even think of allowing my friends to decide what was best for me? Then I asked myself what is bisexuality anyway? Does a person choose to be bisexual? Do they really betray anyone by acting on there need to be with there own kind?

I needed to find the answers to these questions before I did anything else. I chose to stop seeking advice from people that knew no more about it than I did. I needed to find bisexuals to talk to, but where would I find one because apparently not many tell. Then It occurred to me to go to a bi site on the net and enter a chat room. I must say I wasn't impressed by the conversations as I was lost. Then I started pulling up profiles of the people in the chat room seeking married men to I M I found and talked to several.

They all told me the same thing and answered each of my questions the same. When I asked what is bisexuality they explained that to them it was a gift and a curse. That they were born with the desire and ability to love both sexes and actually needed both in their lives to feel complete.

Even though my first question kind of answered my 2nd question I wanted more detail so I asked it next. Does a person choose to be bisexual? The answers blew me away and left me feeling very guilty for what I was about to do to my husband. It absolutely is not a choice. Why would anyone choose to live hiding part of them from the world and the ones they love because they fear losing the people they love most because they are so misunderstood? Most of us has suppressed and tried to deny it even to ourselves only to have it come back stronger than ever right when we think we are the happiest.

If we don't fulfill our needs and desires we go into deep depressions that we can't explain to those seeing us hurt and not knowing why. If we do act on our need to be with another person like us we must deal with overwhelming guilt so we are damned if we do and damned if we don't NO I DON'T KNOW ANYONE THAT WOULD CHOOSE TO LIVE LIFE THAT WAY.

Now I'm beginning to see just a little of the pain my husband bore in silence while nurturing others pain. Now my final question to the guys was Do they really love their wives or just hide behind them so the world won't know? Most bisexuals love their spouses with a passion few hetero husbands can offer. They shower them with unconditional love knowing their spouses could trample on that love if they knew the hidden them They will go to any extreme to protect them from knowing as they realize their spouses will hurt deeply because they don't understand and they fear what the world will think. They know their spouses will feel betrayed even though the truth is the bisexual has betrayed no one but his or her self by not being able to share all of themselves with their mate.

I leave this chat feeling so ashamed that for years I never saw my husbands inner pain because he did such a great job protecting me. I suddenly realized his bisexuality is part of what made him what I needed. I realized I loved everything about him and if I could change anything about him I wouldn't change a thing. I had spent our lives together singing his praises what's changed except now I have the opportunity to help take some of his inner pain away and assure him love of the purest unconditional form. Now all I wanted to do was replace those years of pain with love. I'm so glad I heard that song that day as now my husband and I enjoy a love few people have the privilege of knowing.

We look forward to each day and can no longer get enough of each other. We will forever be grateful for what we have found in each other. Yes, he's still bisexual and still needs to share apart of him with his own kind and that's OK bi me. He gives me all I need I owe the same to him.

cause

GOD MADE HIM THAT WAY
SENT HIM MY WAY
SO I COULD FIND MY WAY
THANK YOU GOD

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