Talking Dirty

TALKING "DIRTY" WITHOUT EMBARRASSMENT

Don't be offended. We just mean being able to talk completely, easily, without embarrassment to your kids about ALL aspects of sex, using whatever language is necessary . Whether you are promoting ABSTINENCE (coming installments), MASTURBATION (coming installments), NON-PENETRATIVE, even kinky but mutually enjoyable sex (coming installments), or SAFER INTERCOURSE (coming instalments), you have to be able to talk -- and talk easy. We call this Breaking The Ice in our book and it precedes effective instruction -- here are some aspects of it.....

....."SCREW", "PENIS", "DICK", "GETTING OFF", "VAGINA", "CUNT", "CUM", "FEEL-UP", "GIVE HEAD", "MAKE LOVE", "CONDOM" -- are words which we've had adults and youth unabashedly saying after reading Part I of our book. Depending on values, some of you would call this uninhibited communication, some would say that some of this is dirty talking, or most of this is dirty talking, or all of this is distasteful and unnecessary. Regardless, we knew we had succeeded in getting adult care-givers and youth to shed their embarrassments, their trepidations, their inhibitions as a PRELUDE TO AIDS-PROOFING.

How did we do this. How did we get these concerned, motivated adults and youth talking the language of sex before getting on to the intricacies of AIDS-Proofing?

TECHNICALLY, IT'S CALLED DE-SENSITIZATION -- (a technique used very successfully over many decades in the treatment of phobias and anxieties.) For our purposes, one way of developing open and uninhibited talking between you and your kids is to create a list of all the sexual and sexually related words you can think of (20 or more? 50 is better!). If your kids can help out, fine, but don't press them at this point, AND DON'T BALK AT "DIRTY" -- if you can do it together, fine, but each on their own is more likely. Have a SPOUSE or PARTNER create a list too (GRAMS and GRAMPS might astound you with their favorites but don't press too hard, again, on any generation gap!).

FROM LEAST EMBARRASSING TO MOST -- The List, once created, has to be re-ordered from least embarrassing to most. You and your spouse or partner can do this though efforts from the kids or others shouldn't be turned down. You and your kids are, very soon, going to read aloud from this list, together.

WILL YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER COOPERATE? -- So-far, this all sounds simple. But will your spouse or partner contribute? Will your kids even consider doing this exercise? Will the whole thing be so uncomfortable as to be avoided? Will it just become another chore and go the way of many chores -- undone? To protect against this possibility, we're going to add motivation to this exercise. Get out the goodies. Special meals and desserts, keys to the car for an evening, allowance bonuses, free time with the T.V., road-mile points to be exchanged for desired trips with family or friends. You name it. You know what your spouse or partner or kids want most, within reasonable bounds. Be generous -- this whole exercise is the first part of LIFE-SAVING, don't forget that. And don't confuse this with bribery (where one person offers enticements to another for the first person's benefit). Without supplementary motivation, initial cooperation and new skills are often hard or impossible to learn. BE GENEROUS !

(Our book, AIDS-PROOFING YOUR KIDS, goes into much more detail about this very, very important aspect of teaching new skills -- the details deserve to be read, they relate to many aspects of effective parenting.)

WHISPERING TOGETHER -- Now comes the time for de-sensitizing. An evening exercise, for example, just before that promised dessert can be the setting. With list in hand, you can all start going through the words, just WHISPERING TOGETHER, one-word-at-a-time, starting with the easiest-to-utter words and progressing through to the most problematic. If once is enough, for everyone, stop. If a promised second scoop of dessert will promote another reading, do it again but a little louder. Next time louder still. Eventually, this evening or next, you will all be saying the words, in order, loud and clear and COMFORTABLY. Whenever you start another reading, on the next day or later in the same day, start at a level easier to that where you left off; that is, BACK-UP TO MAINTAIN COMFORT. Once at ease with all of you reading together, loud and clear, significant progress can be made by making the task more challenging. For example, if you're a group of two adults and two kids, the two kids should next read aloud simultaneously with just one adult. Soon, with agreement as to mutual comfort (and negotiating any necessary increase in reward), just the two kids can read aloud, together, down the list. Finally, each person, alone and in-turn, can read aloud, down the list.

CUSTOMIZE TO SUIT YOUR SITUATION -- These details of who reads when, how loud, how often, in unison, alone, or whatever changes will make the task a little bit more of a challenge, are yours to decide. We have only given one possible sequence which has proven to be successful with many adults and kids. You must customize, where necessary, for your own situation. The over-riding principles, however, are engraved in stone:

• PROGRESS FROM EASIEST TO POTENTIALLY MOST EMBARRASSING
• BACK-UP, WHENEVER NEEDED, TO REGAIN COMFORT
• KEEP SESSIONS SHORT AND GENEROUSLY REWARDED
• NO CRITICISMS, NO PUT-DOWNS, NO JOKES AT ANOTHER'S EXPENSE

YOU'VE BEGUN AN EFFECTIVE AIDS-PROOFING PROGRAM You're on your way to effective AIDS-Proofing, to SAFER-SEX, to EFFECTIVE ABSTINENCE, to your kids' lives free of the horrors of sexually transmitted diseases. We will go on from here, in the next instalment. IN THE MEANTIME, START READING.....

.....AIDS-PROOFING YOUR KIDS: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE (Beyond Words Publishing: 1-800-284-9673). It's a shame that too many book stores are embarrassed to carry it!

Sincerely and from our families to yours,
Drs. Loren Acker, Bram Goldwater, and William Dyson

THIS IS THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF A SERIES -- which we hope will help you plan and implement an effective AIDS-proofing program for YOUR KIDS, GRANDCHILDREN, KIDS IN YOUR CARE or as an effective means of HELPING OR EXPRESSING YOUR CONCERN FOR LOVED-ONES WITH CHILDREN.

AIDS-PROOFING YOUR KIDS is endorsed by the Canadian Public Health Association, favourably received by the World Health Organization, the American Psychological Association, the Association for Behavior Analysis, numerous national AIDS organizations, clergy, parents, kids, and our families. It's a shame that too many book stores are embarrassed to carry it!